


asunder (2020)

by goldmash



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-05
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:47:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 44
Words: 1,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22576564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldmash/pseuds/goldmash
Summary: dedicated to me
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> dedicated to me

this writhing, dark mass of blood-tinted memories & haunting laughter 

- _a nameless monster_


	2. Chapter 2

_maybe i was running towards a false horizon_

_maybe you were, too_

_maybe we thought we could live ~~love~~ after we burned the ache out us_

_maybe we were fools_


	3. Chapter 3

_how do you breathe_

when honey-soaked lies rot in your lungs?


	4. Chapter 4

blood pooled beneath me in crimson wings

(i _refused_ to become a quiet puppet to a false king with fixed strings)


	5. Chapter 5

when i close my eyes,

i see blood-soaked dreams

i hear endless screams

i see another faithless daughter 

i hear your damning laughter

_you should've taken **me**_


	6. Chapter 6

pt. i - secrets

_will you still stay when my skeletons come out to play?_


	7. Chapter 7

this is how i mourn:

i have honey whiskey in my lungs  
while i spew delusional bargains & rotting promises  
( _make way for the new? how, when nothing of me is left?_ )

i keep falling for untrue dawns  
& sometimes i think it tastes like childhood candy  
( _have i ever been one? i was marred too soon._ )

i thought i was done bleeding  
but my threads don't hold, they won't hold  
( _i buried him, fuck, i buried him_ — )

i saw a strange twin in my mirror,  
she was pure apathy & falsely functional   
( _this is how i choose to hurt._ )


	8. Chapter 8

hopeless begging to a vague god,  
i lost sanity within the sadness  
in suppressed screams & repressed rot,  
i found clarity in the madness 

\- prayer


	9. Chapter 9

a letter to myself/twin

we were children of war   
(of walking wastelands & rewritten ruins)

i lined my pockets with reality & stepped into the sea/you couldn't stop the world from turning so you burned it

i stitched my wounds shut with shaking hands/but you branded yours too soon

i took my truth & dressed it up with lies/you pressed your deceit into certainty 

i learned to love with threads of hatred/you already knew to kill your soft spaces

i died dreaming of a blank peace/you lived screaming in spiteful pieces 


	10. Chapter 10

1\. childhood

sometimes you think about your early days to figure out where it all went wrong. 

(where the fault lines start, where your spine starts to shatter.)

you are drawn back to a sun that bleeds out to violently pink clouds. to sour apple candy air & syrupy slow evenings. 

you were led to ( ~~slaughter.~~ ) a path that edged to everywhere. 

if you walked towards that hazy horizon long enough, you'd fall. you'd keep stalling for an infinity. (inside another one.) 

you knew what insanity tasted like long before you had the word for it. (burnt sugar & bitter cinnamon.)

you were born f ra gme nted.   
(you had soft spaces where steel should be.)

you couldn't even break right.


	11. Chapter 11

i swallowed sugared lies & saw god burnt beneath my eyes. she said _baby, don't cry, i only wanted your soul._ ( _did you want it whole?_ _it's full of stitches and it's sticky with old blood and_ — ) i was glitching. i was.../hitching a ride from this familiar stranger to paradise. she smoked cranberry highs & had tart cherry thighs./i woke to a false ( ~~start.~~ ) dawn. (i was her _willing_ pawn.) i left seared petals & semi-precious metals at her altar. and yet/ i saw god kissing another girl. 

(i faltered. i was _unwillingly_ altered.) 

[i couldn't quit her.]

she was god & sugar never tasted this bitter. 


	12. Chapter 12

i was infinity in whittled dreams.

( _i am brittle._ )

bliss provoked me to an empty everything.

( _i am my abyss._ )

faithless demons wore & tore at my being.

( _i am a thing._ )


	13. Chapter 13

i dreamt i was drowning in tilted truths/i coughed up its rust traces

i dreamt i was choking on stilted lies/i felt it crawl into my soft spaces

i dreamt i was burning through paradise/i saw their false vows rot beneath my ribs

i dreamt i was bleeding out in an empty hell/i heard my sins spill from my split lips


	14. Chapter 14

she is:

my backbone when i'm brittle

( _sunlight peeking through this abandoned building,_

_water when i'm wilting_ )

and ready for war when i'm little


	15. Chapter 15

_have you ever been in love?_

1\. he was violet flowers in my cartilage & verdant leaves in my bones.  
(violent petals & jade carnage in my marrow.)

2\. she was brittle caramel in my mouth & burnt sugar in my blood.  
(candy shards made its home in my lungs.)

3\. they were diamonds drenched in my heart & little crystals entrenched in my veins.   
(pretty, precious jagged pieces of my brain.)


	16. Chapter 16

pt. ii - secrets

_i will close your closet filled with your closest screams and even closer schemes._


	17. Chapter 17

this honey lonely, the choking smoke —

how lowly this holy, sky-stained & blood-soaked 


	18. Chapter 18

from little landmines & rewritten lines  
to false designs & burnt out spines,  
my prayers are water through brittle fingers


	19. Chapter 19

tart cherry blood wading through rusted milk teeth. trust without a blade. this burning yearning, the starving abyss. his death, carved into me. an almost hurt, just shy of bliss. 

( _how could you **forget** me? _

_i couldn't even if i needed to._ )


	20. Chapter 20

i am molten mercury. these strings ( _snip snip!_ ), tenuous splinters. i fell awake. i felt, unbidden. glass threads, ties that hold back. i was damaged. i was divine. my bones bleached, brittle, _bitter._ what's a word for insanity underneath the surface? fighting back with a swollen tongue.

_take responsibility._

i am a victim. no, i am god. my despair rusts beneath my ribs. crown heavy, chains heavier. [ _crimson crystal thorns. the words of someone who no longer exists._ ] i was shattered. i was sublime. my blood rendered worthless ( _half-searing, half-chilled_.) the taste of decay lingers. going round in infinities. 

the only thing that makes sense is — . i was half-formed. i was atomised. killed them all, buried a few. ( _six feet under ain't so bad._ ) soft darkness & thin skeletons, bracketed in a womb. melancholy prayers on unholy knees.

_i am irredeemable._


	21. Chapter 21

this is how it begins:

i have ashes trapped underneath my tongue while i choke on ichor.   
(teeth _bloody_ , smoke even bloodier.) 

i am _raw_ , insides just as easy to draw out. ~~to claw out.~~  
(how tender this violence, how honeyed the torture.)

this searing _want_ , knotted up & rotting.  
(tangled dreams tainted with mangled bloodstains.)

painted screams & lightning without a sound.   
(i am — _homebound_.)

locked in a loop as tight as infinity, collateral damage to divinity. 

( _when will you be sated?_

**_when you have no one left to mourn._** )


	22. Chapter 22

we were parallel stars in another lifetime,   
in orbital decay — in precise violence.


	23. Chapter 23

i found god between your ribs.   
(i was not your only.)  
your lips tasted like ichor & melancholy.   
i choked on your holy.

( _does it matter that i used you?_

_even though you used me right back?_ )

let this thing called devotion crack on my teeth like brittle candy,   
let its love-like shards stall too far.

(falling a little too fast, running away a little too slow.)

~~_beloved._ ~~

call me by a name that rattles an empty heaven,  
let your blessed blood wash my sin-stained hands.

how divine this black redemption,   
how mortal the thing that beats beneath its cage.

( _will you crumble when i rip out my roots?_

_will you still adore me when i kill you?_ )


	24. Chapter 24

_is the city as pretty as it is in your dreams?_

_will anyone there ever hear your blood-filled screams?_

_are you still held together with dirty bandages and schemes?_

_do you think you can breathe without me beneath your tongue?_

_can honey whiskey wash all the sins staining your lungs?_

_did you truly think you could run?_


	25. Chapter 25

kiss me under halogen lights on halcyon nights

  
we'll run from white skies to a fitful paradise

  
let strawberry smoke choke us crimson

  
turn our hurt into hymns to something hidden

\- _we'd have to outgrow this slow town someday, baby_

_(you'd have to choose between your next lie & something steady)_


	26. Chapter 26

_and i see you haunting me,_   
_in mundane whispers & liminal spaces_   
_in bloody half-crowns underneath my eyes_

_and i hear you taunting me,_   
_in saturnine slivers & almost traces_   
_in your beloved ~~cursed~~ name & fictional paradise_

( _did you think you could forget me?_

 _did you think i would let you **live**?_)


	27. Chapter 27

_tell me why they had to break me_   
_tell me i'm a fool_   
_tell me why they thought i was holy_

_now ask me why i'm cruel_


	28. Chapter 28

blood falling from your mouth, absolution found only between your lips

dreams that are half-fool & half-gold, a kind of cold holy tucked into your ribs

6 • 20


	29. Chapter 29

_darling, how gently you cup your blood into your hands_   
_how quietly you choke on acidic vows of tomorrow_   
_how you burn with your tongue in your teeth_   
_how you keep breathing when your ribcage is hollow_


	30. Chapter 30

_do you think i changed? (no, i know i did.)_

_you were a feral thing, darling. (i cannot exist without this emptiness.)_

_it bleeds, as i paint others' becoming. (my hurt is art on a used canvas.)_

_i am staining this violet sky silent. (i was remade in soft violence.)_


	31. Chapter 31

_bite into my cartilage,_   
_your name drips blood into my mouth_

_found bliss in this holy carnage,_   
_i thought i heard the abyss calling out_

_3 • 7 • 20_


	32. Chapter 32

_you left & i curled into myself:_

• rip your name out of my marrow  
• let me swallow your only laughter  
• this slaughter was paid for  
• afraid of fragmented edges, i was grasping for the remnants of you  
• i woke up gasping, with your eyes burnt underneath mine  
• beneath all the signs of holy, tangled in bleeding gold  
• for a fleeting infinity, this burning cold tinted everything   
• let divinity fall like atoms & screams stall into nothing

_you cannot come back & i cannot unfurl me._


	33. Chapter 33

_hurt fills the teacups with blood_

_hearts split into splintering threads_

_(we thought we were saving each other)_

_but our wings were built with lead_


	34. Chapter 34

_and when i am found half-alive under junipers on jupiter,_

_you'll find his name sewn into my lips, bleeding & pleading,_

_"let him haunt me."_


	35. Chapter 35

_(house your skeleton in mine, darling,_

_let me sew you into my marrow.)_


	36. Chapter 36

cigarettes soaked in honey,  
you were a lie i needed.


	37. Chapter 37

_i am burnt & bloodstained._

_\- (do you still scream when you dream, darling?)_


	38. Chapter 38

_these wounds? they matter._

_(scattered selves. placeholder god. bitter desire.)_


	39. Chapter 39

_you tasted just like limbo & your kisses felt like falling_

_\- we were inevitable_

_(we were absolute.)_


	40. Chapter 40

_don't you hear the sirens in this silence?_

_(can't you see the rot in your god?)_


	41. Chapter 41

_burnt dreams & forgotten graves._

_\- (i made you a god once.)_


	42. Chapter 42

purging these violet delights,  
i broke my teeth on your name.


	43. Chapter 43

_my wounds are crusted with salt. this honey is rotten, darling. he is faultless. i bleed abundantly & yet these sins are infinite. sew my mouth with strings of your hatred. your smile smears into a sneer i barely remember. your false cruelty sears me clean but i cannot be redeemed. atonement tastes like cinnamon & rot. why won't you let me decay? why won't you let me cut away the parts that ache? call this emptiness, living. look away from the ice that hides the rage beneath it. this silvery cage, how pretty my blood looks splattered on pristine pale walls. they bloom; they shatter. oh, how i yearn to burn._


	44. Chapter 44

_copper coins under my tongue,_   
_i tasted blood when i kissed you._

**Author's Note:**

> what a fucking year.


End file.
